I just can't wrap my mind around jealousy.
I work hard and have very little. I am struggling, on the verge of failure and I've never been in a worse state financially. But every day I get the feeling that people around me would be happier if I had even less. What kind of progress can we possibly hope for when we want everyone else doing slightly less than ourselves? It's not even mathematically feasible.
There has always been some sort of direction to my life. I generally know what I want to look back on when I leave this world, and I have a pretty clear picture of where I'd like to be within a few year's time. My course has changed over the years but my direction has always been the same. I have sacrificed so much to work towards these ideals and I have never relied on others. But it doesn't come easy for me and I'm terrified!
There's plenty I would like to have in my life but it never bums me out if someone else has it already. This means posessions, accomplishments, ideals or purpose. When I see someone with something I would like to have in my life, I think "hey, great! It's possible for someone to get that! I'm going to figure out how they got it and try to apply it to my life". Being close to someone who has accomplished something is valuable: it gives me clues to how I can get what I want for myself.
But when I make a forward step - even a tiny one - I feel like most of the people around me kinda wish I hadn't made it. They quickly change the subject as if discussing something that's positive for me is painful or insulting to them. Some of them come right out and tell me that they're jealous that I am making progress at my age while they already feel past their prime.
My thought is that if these people could pay more attention to what would make them happy then they wouldn't be so upset over other people going through positive experiences. Instead, they'd be telling me about all the goals they are reaching and we both would have something real to grow from.
I would really like to let this be their problem but it makes me feel like I should shut up and not tell anybody when something new comes into my life. I don't want to feel like I am bragging or attempting to attract attention to myself. So I stifle myself, which makes me feel - well, stifled. It is so bizarre to work as hard as I do and to make so many decisions while feeling like I'm completely invisible.
More than anything, I want to grow, exchange ideas and communicate with others. But progress towards these goals means accomplishing things that make some of the people I care about want to stop talking about the most important parts of my life.
Perhaps opening myself up more can attract more people who understand while turning away those who would rather not.